Eddy Stone and the Epic Holiday Mash-Up Read online

  “Do you think Barracuda Bill is just going to let that happen?” said Eddy, suddenly realizing that they might have a problem. “This could be very dangerous – he and his crew might attack us at any moment.”

  But Barracuda Bill didn’t look like he was about to attack. He was sitting on the ground, his shoulders sagging, his face drooping, a picture of unhappiness.

  “But I love her,” he muttered. “What am I going to do without her?”

  His crew shuffled around looking embarrassed. Some of them started to edge away.

  His parrot rubbed its head against his cheek.

  “Poor old Bill,” it said. “Boo-hoo.”

  Then it pooed down the back of his coat again.

  “Come on, Skipper,” said Jellyfish Jones, “I know how to cheer you up. Let’s go and hit something until it breaks.”

  “Not in the mood,” said Barracuda Bill. His bottom lip began to wobble.

  “I don’t think we need to worry about him right now,” said the Captain. “All we have to do is claim the prize.”

  “He’s right,” said the Penguin. “Even I don’t see how anything could go wrong this time.”

  “There is an objection!” It was Not Important’s voice. “Let another lot of riders be despatched to catch up with the riders who have already left and tell them to hang on a bit and not say anything to anyone while we get this sorted out!”

  “I don’t believe it,” said the Penguin. “Me and my big beak.”

  A short, bald man stepped forward onto the balcony.

  “My name is Engelbert Gangplaster,” he addressed the crowd. “I am the Palace Librarian and this” – he raised an enormous leather-bound book – “is an ancient and original copy of YE TRUE AND ONLIE RULYES OF YE SPORT OF WHAT SAY’ST THOU, FELLOW, IS THE QUANTITY OF MONKEYS THAT IN MY POCKET DO DWEll? I refer to page 217 – section twenty-six, paragraph xiv, subsection J, item 11b.”

  He closed the book with a thud, and pointed at the Captain. “Oi! You! Where’s your monkey?”

  “It ran off,” said the Captain. “You all saw it go.”

  There was a muttering from The Scavenger’s crew.

  “Looked like a dog in disguise to me,” one voice broke out.

  “Whippet in a wig,” agreed a second. “I knew the moment I set eyes on it.”

  “Rubbish!” shouted Eddy.

  “Hairy baby if ever I saw one,” said another voice.

  “The spitting image of my sister’s youngest,” added a fourth. “Scoundrel!”

  “Cheat!” The Scavenger’s crew raised a racket. “Boo!”

  “You all know it was a monkey!” shouted Eddy.

  “Monkey or no monkey,” Gangplaster bellowed from the balcony, “if you can’t produce it for inspection, the book says you’re out!”

  “Oh, dear.” Barracuda Bill was suddenly looking much more cheerful. “It seems you’ve been disqualificated.”

  “But I won,” said the Captain. “Fair and square.”

  “Rules is rules,” said Barracuda Bill.

  “You said you hate rules,” said Eddy.

  “Not when they are on my side.”

  “I’m sorry, Captain dearie, but I don’t see how we can argue with the official rule book.” The Crew put an arm round the Captain’s shoulder. “Not to mention the hundred hairy brutes on Bill’s side.”

  “Which means no treasure,” said the Captain sadly. “I’m sorry, Eddy – I’ve let you down again.”

  “No,” said Eddy. “You haven’t let me down. Don’t get me wrong – I really wish we had won the treasure to save my gran’s cottage. But I’ve realized that there’s something more important than that. You proved how brave you are. You showed your real character. And I’m proud to call you Captain. And my friend.”

  “He’s right,” the Crew agreed. “That’s worth more than gold.”

  “Not when you want to go shopping,” said the Penguin.

  “And look on the bright side,” the Crew continued. “You didn’t get horribly killed and you don’t have to marry the Princess.”

  “Now that has cheered me up,” said the Captain. “There’s a great big sea out there and somewhere we’ll find another way to get rich.”

  “We have a different winner!” announced Not Important. “Let even more riders be despatched to tell the first lot to rub out Captain McHake’s name and put Barracuda Bill instead. Oh, and to tell the second lot they can come back home. The long search is over again. Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda will marry Barracuda Bill!”

  “Is that definite this time?” asked Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda.

  “Definitely definite,” said Not Important.

  “Oh, goody!” said the Princess. “I like him more than the other one. He’s bigger and beardier. And he doesn’t smell so much like a fish.”

  That night there was a mighty feast to celebrate the wedding, and the two ships’ companies put their differences aside. The crew of The Scavenger drank a lot of beer and wine and rum and cider and port and gin and brandy and sherry, and when that had all gone one of them remembered a big bottle of something yellow and sweet and syrupy that he had brought back from his holidays and they drank that too.

  Then there was singing and music and wild whirling dancing and sitting down feeling dizzy and a bit sick and saying that they knew it was a mistake to drink that sweet syrupy yellow stuff.

  Jellyfish Jones made a speech about some of the hilariously stupid things that Barracuda Bill had got up to when he was young. Everybody laughed a lot because they really were completely hilarious and extraordinarily stupid.

  Then Barracuda Bill made a speech about how he was the happiest man alive and if anyone ever repeated any of the things Jellyfish Jones had just told them, he would feed them to the goldfish because being eaten by sharks would be too quick and easy for them.

  Then Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda made a speech about how this was the best day of her life. She knew the Captain must be dreadfully disappointed that she couldn’t marry him too so that he could be the equal happiest man alive. She wanted to thank the Captain, because without him Barracuda Bill would have had no one to steal all her presents from. So before she handed all her vast store of treasure over to her new husband she thought the Captain should go and help himself to whatever gold and jewels he wanted.

  And then the Captain didn’t make a speech he just went to find a wheelbarrow.

  The next morning The Scavenger’s crew slept late and woke up with terrible headaches and declared that the sweet syrupy yellow stuff was the devil’s own drink. Then they discovered that the Codcakers had already taken their wheelbarrow full of treasure down to their ship and sailed away.

  Out at sea, the waves were calm. A breeze hurried a few scuffs of white cloud through a blue sky. The same breeze billowed The Codcake’s sails as it pushed the ship through the water. The magic map now showed a single word – HOME – with an arrow that pointed off its western edge.

  On deck, Eddy and the Captain were examining the contents of the wheelbarrow. The Crew stood nearby at the ship’s wheel. The Penguin was trying on a particularly fetching diamond and sapphire tiara with matching earrings and admiring himself in a mirror. All was well with the world.

  “See anything you like?” asked the Captain. “Pick out something pretty for when we divides this lot up between us.”

  “I don’t know where to start,” said Eddy, turning the treasure over in his hands. “Necklaces and goblets and brooches and – hey – there’s a ruby ring here, a bit like the one that we found in—”

  His voice tailed off.

  “Summat wrong?” asked the Captain.

  “No,” said Eddy. “Nothing’s wrong. Look at this.”

  He held up a heavy gold band, set with a chunky ruby. The jewel had a skull etched into it. And in its right eye socket there was a tiny letter G.

  “Grungeybeard,” said the Captain in a low whisper. “Well I’ll be—”

  “It’s part of Grung
eybeard’s treasure,” said Eddy. “It really is. But how do you think it ended up at Ermintrelda’s palace?”

  “Who knows?” said the Captain. “Treasure’s a restless thing. Give it a chance and it will wander. Which is why we are going to look after this little lot very carefully.”

  Eddy dug down into the wheelbarrow.

  “There’s a pearl down here that’s as big as a conker, and a diamond the size of a gull’s egg, and I’ve never seen a hamster that’s as fat as this emerald. Just like in the legend of Grungeybeard’s loot. You were right all along – even when you were wrong about the gingerbread. We found it.”

  “I never doubted it,” said the Captain. “Well, yes I did. But I was right in the end, wasn’t I?”

  “And you’re not the only one,” said the Crew.

  “What do you mean?” said Eddy.

  “Why did you say your parents had sent you to stay with your gran?”

  “For fresh air and fun,” said Eddy.

  “Well, there’s fresh air all around us now. And you’re not going to tell me you haven’t had fun.”

  “No,” said Eddy. “This quest has been the most fun I’ve had in my life.”

  “So I would say that your parents got it right as well – even when they got it wrong. What do you think?”

  “I think I miss them,” said Eddy.

  He gazed out over the water. The Codcake sliced through the sea, taking them home. The sound of the waves slapping against her hull mingled with the cries of the seabirds that wheeled overhead, and the faint, regular BOOM BOOM from far off over the…

  BOOM BOOM?

  The Scavenger was out there somewhere.

  Eddy grabbed a telescope. And there she was, coming up behind them on the starboard side. Eddy knew she was faster than The Codcake. What would happen when she caught up? On the one hand, the two crews had feasted together like old friends. On the other hand, The Scavenger was manned by ruthless pirates, and The Codcake had a wheelbarrow full of treasure on her deck.

  “Captain! It’s The Scavenger!”

  “Perhaps they just want to say goodbye,” said the Crew, “after that lovely party.”

  “Or perhaps,” said the Penguin, “they want to steal the treasure, feed us to the sharks and blow up the ship.”

  “I just don’t know,” said the Captain. “And we’ll only find out when they catch us.”

  “So we’d better be prepared,” said Eddy. “You stood up to Barracuda Bill, Captain. I think it’s time for The Codcake to stand up to The Scavenger. If they are coming for the treasure, we’re not going to give it to them without a fight. This time, we’re going to be ready for them.”

  “Us? Ready? Really?” asked the Captain.

  “We’ll all have to work together as fast as we can,” said Eddy. “We need to drag every heavy object we can find out of the hold. We’re going to tie long ropes on them and hang them from the starboard yards—”

  “The whats?” asked the Crew.

  “The yards – the long bits of wood that the sails hang down from. Then we need to haul the heavy things up the mainmast and lash them tight. We’ll need a block and tackle for that.”

  “There’s one in the rucksack, dearie.”

  “And then—”

  “Hold hard!” said the Captain. “Remember who gives the orders round here. Right, everybody, you’ve got to block the hall with yards of rope, then tackle your lashes and…oh, stinky fish! Do what Eddy just said! And be quick about it!”

  After an hour of huffing and heaving and hauling, the job was done. Dozens of ropes were tied along the starboard yards, their other ends attached to half the contents of The Codcake’s hold – saucepans and sea boots and buckets and enough assorted ironmongery to open a shop, all lashed to the mainmast with a single long cord that was knotted off down by the deck.

  Eddy looked up and smiled.

  “And that,” he said, “is our plan.”

  “First rate!” said the Captain. “Remind me, what was it again?”

  “You’ll see,” said Eddy. “Crew, stand by the mast. When I give the signal, untie that big knot.”

  “Right,” said the Crew, taking hold of the loose end of the cord.

  The Scavenger was closing fast. Eddy noticed that the booming stamping noise wasn’t nearly as loud as usual.

  “Where we going?”

  And the chanting was almost a whisper.

  “What we doing?”

  A hundred voices hissed.

  “Are we there yet?”

  The Scavenger drew up to The Codcake’s starboard side. The pirates were gathered on deck, with Jellyfish Jones at their head, and no sign of Barracuda Bill.

  “Ahoy there!” the Captain yelled.

  “Keep your voice down!” croaked Jellyfish. “We’ve a lot of sore heads on board. If I ever remember who brought that bottle of sweet syrupy yellow stuff, I’ll make him suffer.”

  “Marvellous party, though.”

  “Party’s over now. It’s back to real life. Except for Barracuda Bill. The most twisted, devious and downright vicious headcase I’ve ever met – what a guy. You know what he was doing this morning? Sitting with his missus putting kittens into baskets. The world has turned upside down. Quite frankly, I’m in bits. Bits.”

  “Can we help you?” asked the Captain.

  “Indeed you can,” said Jellyfish. “Or we can come across and help ourselves. Either way, we want that treasure. And, lads, remember, if you are chopping anyone into little pieces, do it very, very, quietly.”

  A hundred very grumpy pirates edged towards The Codcake, cutlasses at the ready.

  “Now!” Eddy shouted to the Crew.

  The Crew yanked on the cord, undoing the knot and releasing all the heavy objects that were lashed to the mast. They swung down on the ends of their ropes, arcing towards The Scavenger’s deck.

  “Duck!” shouted Eddy.

  “For the last time, I’m not a flipping duck!” the Penguin replied. “I’m a – oh, got you!” And he hit the deck as a tin bucket whistled past him.

  The broadside of hardware was as effective as any cannon. The first saucepan hit a hairy pirate square on the chin and launched him backwards, flattening three shipmates standing behind him.

  Down the objects hurtled, dozen upon dozen of them, like flying fists of justice. And terrible was the judgement that they dealt. They caught the pirates completely by surprise, whooshing and swooping and knocking them flying.

  Men, swords, pistols, hats and wooden legs went spinning across the deck.

  The pirates tried to dodge out of the way, but they might as well have tried to run through a storm and avoid the raindrops.

  Some were bashed clean over the far side of the ship, and sent splashing and cursing into the sea. A few even chose to jump overboard to avoid the furious bombardment.

  By the time the swinging missiles slowed to a halt, the attack had laid out every man on The Scavenger.

  Every man, that is, but one. Jellyfish Jones rose from behind the cannon, where he had taken cover, with a scowl on his face and a cutlass in his hand. He leaped across the gap between the two ships, landed on The Codcake’s deck, and lunged towards the Captain.

  The Captain reached for his own sword – and realized with horror that he had left it on the big pile of weapons in the courtyard at Ermintrelda’s palace. He scrabbled wildly for something – anything – to defend himself.

  His hand found the carrot on his shoulder. He grabbed it and held it out in front of him like a dagger.

  The sight was so ridiculous that it halted Jellyfish Jones’s charge. He sneered at the Captain with a snort of laughter.

  “You have got to be joking.” That moment gave Eddy time to react.

  Jellyfish raised his cutlass, ready to strike.

  Eddy launched himself at Jellyfish, catching him behind the knees with his full weight. Jellyfish’s legs buckled and he pitched forward…

  “Waaaah!”

  …jabb
ing his right eye down hard on the end of the carrot.

  “Owwwwwww!”

  He instinctively raised his hand to his throbbing eye…

  DONK!

  …but he was still holding his cutlass. Its heavy metal handguard whacked into his forehead.

  “Aaaarrrrgghh!”

  He staggered dizzily back to The Scavenger and collapsed in a heap. “We surrender,” he croaked.

  “We did it!” Eddy yelled. The Codcakers broke into victorious cheers.

  “And please stop shouting,” Jellyfish moaned, clutching his aching head, as The Scavenger drifted away from The Codcake.

  “Crew!” said the Captain. “Set a course for home.”

  “I wonder how long it will take,” said Eddy.

  “We won’t get there at all,” said the Crew, “unless we untie those ropes.”

  She was right. Now that all the heavy objects were hanging straight down from the starboard yards, their weight was making the ship lean alarmingly. One big wave across their bows would have them over.

  Eddy climbed the mast, shinned out along the yards, and set about cutting them loose. It took him quite a while, but finally he sliced through the last rope, and the last object dropped onto the deck below. For the first time since he had started, he looked up – and there ahead, just a few miles away, was the familiar shape of Tidemark Bay.

  “Land ahoy, Captain!” he shouted.

  News of the sight of the strange ship travelled quickly round the little town. By the time The Codcake sailed into the harbour, what looked like the entire population of Tidemark Bay had gathered by the water’s edge. The Codcake slowed as she came home, then nestled against the quayside as softly as a cat settling on a friendly lap.

  Eddy lowered the gangplank, and found himself face-to-face with the two boys who had thrown tomatoes at him when he first set out. The bigger one stood weighing a half-rotten pineapple in his hand.

  “Oi! Look what I’ve got for you,” he sniggered, ready to hurl it.