Eddy Stone and the Alien Cat Attack Read online

  The muttering spread round the room.

  “Eurrgh! It put something into the hole in its head. In front of everyone!”

  “How revolting!”

  “I think I’m going to regurgitate.”

  The air filled with loud complaints. But not loud enough to block out the sound of a small explosion, and a clang as the back door of the cafe clattered to the floor in a puff of smoke.

  “Nobody move,” said a tinny, high-pitched voice.

  Everyone in the cafe froze.

  Through the door came a short and stocky robot, with a bent circular saw sticking halfway out of its scorch-marked chest. It was followed by a second robot with a spiky head and a limp probe dangling from the end of a mangled arm.

  “It’s the two we saw before,” Eddy said to Thursday. “What do you think is going on?”

  “Let’s just sit tight,” said Thursday.

  “Everybody put your hands on your heads nice and slowly,” said Stocky.

  A grumble ran round the cafe.

  “Well, if you haven’t got hands, put your tentacles or pincers or whatever else you’ve got on top of your heads instead. Okay?”

  From the back of the room came a single squeak.

  “And if you haven’t got a head, just put all your wriggly bits where we can see them.”

  “Are we clear on that?” added Spiky. “And all sitting nice and tight? Good. We’re looking for three escaped tubeoids. We got a call to say that they are somewhere in this joint. One of them is pretending to be a level nine Malvalian in disguise. And we don’t care for being fooled like that.”

  “I always thought there was something phoney about him,” said Stocky.

  “Oh, yeah, right,” said Spiky. “What was it you said to him back there when you were so suspicious? Oh, I remember – ‘Apologies. Sir.’ Doesn’t sound very suspicious does it, Stumpylumps?”

  “Call me that again and I’ll break more than your probe,” said Stocky.

  “Someone told them we were here,” said Eddy. “This is terrible. We’ll never escape now. Or warn people back on Earth.”

  “I just knew getting out of that cage was all a waste of time,” said Henry.

  “But I want to go home,” said Millie.

  “I can’t believe it.” Thursday turned to the Boss. “You betrayed us.”

  “Nothing personal,” said the Boss. “I’m just an honest guy who obeys the law.”

  “I thought you were my friend!” shouted Thursday. “But you’re just a sneaky RAT!”

  Before the Boss could answer, there was a yell from across the room.

  “Hey! What do you call this muck?” The owner of the voice was a purple frog-faced creature. He was clutching a large bowl. “I ordered fly soup. Waiter – there’s no flies in my soup!”

  He hurled the bowl through the air. It flew in a graceful arc, and whacked Spiky full in the face.

  The robot turned, half-blinded as soup trickled into his eyes.

  “Who did that?” he snarled.

  And then it all kicked off.

  Plates, bowls, tables, chairs, and many of the smaller diners were hurled through the air. Spiky and Stocky were swallowed up in a writhing mass of fighting bodies.

  “And now we run,” said Thursday. “Thanks, Boss. That all worked a treat.”

  “For you, any time,” said the Boss. “Besides, just look at this great fight.” And he leaped off the bar into the middle of it.

  Eddy, Millie, Henry and Thursday ran out through the wrecked back door. It led into the space dock. A shiny jellybean-shaped podule glinted under the overhead lights.

  “You said it worked a treat,” said Eddy. “Was that all planned?”

  “Of course,” said Thursday. “I told the Boss to call security. And he set up the frogoid with the soup to cause trouble when I said ‘rat’. He came in right on cue.”

  “So what happens next?” said Eddy.

  Thursday pointed to the podule.

  “Security robots don’t travel to emergency calls on foot. This shiny little beauty is their top-of-the-range double-engined souped-up space vehicle. And while the robots are tied up in that little diversion we created, your level nine clearance means it will be a piece of cake for you to steal this baby, take it out of this space dock and pilot it back to your home planet. So what do you think happens next?”

  “Stealing is very naughty,” said Millie.

  “It certainly is, kid,” said Thursday. “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”

  “Let’s do it,” said Eddy.

  “So how do we get into this thing?” said Eddy. He put his hand on the side of the podule.

  “Oh my goodness,” an excited voice came from the podule. “You’re a level nine. What an honour. What can I do for you, sir?”

  “We need a ride,” said Eddy.

  “You’ve got it!” The wall of the podule opened in a wide O. The travellers piled into its deep black interior.

  “A level nine!” the podule repeated. “I am going to take extra special care of you and make sure that everything is just exactly how you want it. So – what about this colour? Security likes black, but I say dull, dull, dull! Shall we try something more cheerful?” The inside of the podule changed to a warm purple.

  “Can you do wallpaper with ponies on it?” said Millie.

  “Of course,” said the podule. “I just need to scan my databanks to find out what ‘ponies’ is.”

  “No you don’t,” said Eddy. “You need to get going.”

  “And fast,” said Henry. “Look.”

  Eddy glanced out of the podule window. The robots must have escaped from the fight, and were coming their way.

  There was a loud banging on the outside of the podule.

  “Get out of there!” shouted Spiky.

  “He’s only a level three,” said the podule. “So it’s your call. Do you want me to let him in?”

  “Absolutely not,” said Eddy. “Just go.”

  “Sure thing,” said the podule. “How about some music to relax you before take-off?”

  “Go now!” said Eddy.

  “The robot is getting a big gun out,” said Millie. “He’s pointing it at us.”

  “Would you like me to calculate how much damage the blast from his weapon will do to my hull?” said the podule. “And to you?”

  “No,” said Eddy. “Please hurry up.”

  “Are you sitting comfortably?”

  “Yes!” yelled Eddy. “Go!”

  “Then I’ll begin.”

  “Too late!” said Henry. “He’s going to – wow!”

  Before he got to the second “w” they had shot out of the space dock and were hurtling away from the Malvalian ship and into empty space.

  Eddy looked out of the window. He could see the ship that they had escaped from, and behind it a line of gigantic spheres. He counted ten, twelve of them. He had a dim memory of seeing them before.

  “What are those?” he said.

  “The Malvalian pillaging fleet,” said Thursday. “The Grand Control ship at the front – that’s where we were. And cargo ships behind it, all ready to fill up. Thirteen of them. The Malvalian’s lucky number.”

  “And that planet they’re near to,” Eddy added, “with the stripes of grey and brown clouds. I’ve seen that in my Book of Space. That’s Jupiter.”

  “It’s simply great that you know where we are,” said the podule. “And I hope you don’t mind if I ask if you also know where you want to go.”

  “Earth,” said Eddy. “Quickly.”

  “Earth?” said the podule. “I’m afraid I can’t say that I know that one.”

  “The Malvalians don’t call it that,” said Henry. “To them it’s minor planet Cz4 – oh, I can’t remember.”

  “It’s the third planet from the Sun,” said Eddy, remembering what it said in his Book of Space.

  “The Sun?” said the podule. “Is that the little star in middle of this system?”

  “Tha
t’s the one,” said Eddy.

  “Then you mean minor planet Cz492gamma.”

  “That’s it,” said Henry. “Cz492gamma. I should have been able to remember that. I must have heard Ethel say it a thousand times. You know, if I’d had a pound for every time she called it that – well, it wouldn’t have been any use, would it, because there was nowhere to spend money in that cage.”

  “Let’s just make sure we’ve got this right,” said the podule. “Is this the place?”

  A three-dimensional image of Earth appeared in the middle of the cabin.

  “That’s it,” said Eddy. “The Blue Planet.”

  “You’re from the Blue Planet?” said Thursday. “You mean it ain’t just a myth that space travellers tell each other late at night? Well I’ll be – the Blue Planet. The Malvalians actually found it.”

  “It didn’t need finding,” said Eddy. “We were already living on it.”

  “Yeah, but who knew?”

  “We did. Us humans. Or don’t we count?”

  “Hey, kid,” said Thursday. “I’m on your side, remember?”

  “I’ve plotted a course to our destination,” said the podule. “It’s just a short hop across this solar system. We’ll be cruising at a comfortable one point five times the speed of light…”

  “Hang on,” said Eddy. “Nothing can travel faster than light.”

  “Tell that to the guys who built me,” said the podule. “We’ll be at our destination in a very short while, so I hope you enjoy the trip and have fun floating around in the reduced gravity.”

  Eddy felt a low rumble from the podule’s engines. There was no sensation of speed, but outside the windows the billion white stars that were scattered across the dark sky suddenly blurred into soft dabs of rainbow colours. Eddy floated slowly out of his seat.

  “Whee!” shouted Millie as she drifted past him, turning slow somersaults. “This is brilliant! Why is space so big?”

  “It just is,” said Eddy.

  “But how did it all get there?”

  “I don’t know,” said Eddy. “And you need to stop asking me so many questions.”

  “Okay,” said Millie. “Why?”

  “Because I need to think about what to do when we get back to Earth.”

  “No you don’t,” said Henry. “You’ve already said what we have to do. We report the alien invasion to the authorities and let them deal with the problem.”

  “I hope it’s going to be as simple as that,” said Eddy. “This whole thing feels like too much for me to cope with at the moment.”

  “You need to relax,” said Henry. “Let me show you what I used to do in the zoo when I wanted to take my mind off my worries.” He put his left hand under his shirt, reached up into his right armpit, and squeezed down with his right arm.

  A note trumpeted round the podule.

  “Ooh! Farty!” Millie giggled. “Pardon you!”

  “Farty!” said Henry. “Charming! Well, alright, I suppose it is – but just you listen to this.” His arm moved up and down, and the familiar notes of the national anthem filled the air.

  “That’s impressive,” said Eddy.

  “I’ve got dozens of tunes I can do,” said Henry. “Hours and hours I spent practising while I was stuck in that cage. Days and days. It was better than just wasting all that time, eh?”

  He parped out a brisk marching tune.

  “Let me try,” said Eddy. But no sound came.

  “You’ve got to get your hand just right,” said Henry. “Like this…”

  And so the podule sped through the far reaches of the solar system, past sights never seen before by human eyes, past clashing asteroids and the dry surface of Mars, while Eddy struggled to get a note out of his armpit, and Henry ran through a selection of his favourite tunes. And every second brought them nearer to an unsuspecting…

  “Earth!” shouted Thursday. “That’s got to be Earth! Just look at all that blue!”

  “Agent Ginger Tom reporting to Malvalian Grand Control. Events are proceeding according to plan. Mind control has been established over the inhabitants of the Tidemark Bay target area. Cats have been recruited as guards and lookouts for the operation. Construction project has begun. Report ends.”

  It was a very simple report for what was turning out to be a very simple mission, Drax thought to himself. He had recorded his message on the communications interface, the interface had transmitted it across the town, and it had taken just a few hours to hypnotize everyone in Tidemark Bay. They were now completely under the control of his voice. A smooth operation from start to finish.

  Not everything was quite as expected, though. By observing the town, and listening to conversations, he had discovered that some of the information that was logged in the mission databank was not correct. Carpet, for example, was not indoor grass. Bicycles were not an old-fashioned form of punishment. And the long perforated rolls of soft paper that were so often seen in adverts were not for writing on after all, but had a use so disgusting that it made him shudder to think about it.

  He had not told Grand Control about these errors. Grand Control did not like errors. And anyway, what could it matter? The planet would very soon be dust. And then there would be no grass, no bicycles, and nothing for the paper to wipe.

  He was also disappointed in the cats. They would be fine as guards. A promise of better food was all it took to persuade them, and sharp eyes, sharp teeth and sharp claws were a good combination. But they were very dull beasts. They had almost nothing to talk about. Half of the very few words that they used were to do with eating. And nearly all the others were the names of small furry things that ran away when they were chased, or small feathery things that flew away. All very boring.

  But perhaps that was for the best. There was always a chance when you put on a new body that it came with impulses and instincts that started to take you over. Other agents had told him about missions in which they could not stop themselves behaving just like the creatures that they were disguised as. He couldn’t imagine having a problem like that with this body. Cats were far too simple for that.

  And now, Drax thought, he would just stretch out and have a little nap.

  “Reducing speed,” said the podule. “Entering atmosphere. Landing co-ordinates required.”

  “I don’t know about co-ordinates,” said Eddy. “We need Tidemark Bay.”

  “And I don’t know about Tidemark Bay,” said the podule. “I need co-ordinates.”

  “It’s a little place,” said Eddy, “near the coast. With lots of woods around it.”

  “I’m afraid that’s not getting us very far, sir,” said the podule. “Let’s try to narrow it down. Looking at the planet, would you say that you want to aim for a blue bit or a brown bit?”

  “Brown bit,” said Eddy. “Show me that picture of the planet again.”

  “Will do,” said the podule. The three-dimensional image pinged back into view.

  “It’s in this part,” said Eddy, pointing out a familiar coastline. “Zoom in on this bit.”

  Step by step, Eddy homed in on Tidemark Bay.

  “We’d better land somewhere just outside town,” said Eddy. “We don’t know what’s going on in there.” He pointed to the map. “There’s a big wood here, between Tidemark Bay and the next town – Saltburn Sands. Can you get us down safely in the middle of it?”

  “Can I?” said the podule. “Can a Tragalian Hypermonkey crack drindlenuts with its ears?”

  Eddy said nothing. He was trying to picture just what a Tragalian Hypermonkey might be. And so were the others.

  “The answer is yes, okay? They are famous for it,” said the podule, after a long silence. “And my answer is yes, too. I can land safely in the middle of the wood. Just watch me.”

  Out of the window, Eddy could just see the coast, a brown edge against the blue sea. As they hurtled down towards it, he started to pick out towns, then roads, then rooftops, then…

  “This brown stuff we’re heading
for,” said the podule. “Is it hard or soft?”

  “Hard,” said Eddy. “You need to brake.”

  They plummeted down, towards the tops of the highest trees.

  “Brake!” shouted Eddy. “It’s too fast!”

  Streaking past the treetops.

  “Look out!” shouted Eddy. “We’re going to—”

  And then they were still. Suddenly, softly, as easily as taking the last step on the stairs; no more plummeting or streaking or whooshing, just tree trunks and bushes and a woodland floor around them.

  “I hope you weren’t going to say crash,” said the podule. “Anyone would think this was your first landing.”

  “Land,” said Eddy. “I was going to say land. We level nines are used to that sort of thing. Course we are. And we’re right in the middle of the wood. That should stop us from being spotted.”

  “Don’t worry about anyone seeing me,” said the podule. “I can switch on the disguise shield.”

  “That’s good,” said Eddy. “As long as the disguise is not a very tall grey and white toadstool.”

  “Let me check the databank for the choice of disguises for use on this planet,” said the podule. “It’s coming up with just one option and that is – oh.”

  “A very tall grey and white toadstool?” said Eddy.

  “Was that just a lucky guess?” said the podule.

  “Forget the disguise,” said Eddy. “I think that an undisguised giant metal jellybean looks a bit less weird than the toadstool. We’ve got a world to warn – so let everybody out now.”

  “Everybody?” said the podule. “If you say so.”

  There was a gentle hum as a round doorway opened in the cabin wall.

  And then a loud crash as something large and heavy blundered out of the back of the podule.

  “Look!” shouted Millie. “It’s a real live Horaceboris!”

  Eddy stuck his head out of the doorway. The thing that had come out of the back of the podule really did look just like Millie’s favourite cuddly toy, Horaceboris. At least, like Millie’s favourite cuddly toy would have looked if it had been ten times bigger in every direction and twenty times bigger round its bottom. It was about as large and shapely as a school football team in a sack, with a saggy grey-blue body, a wide red mouth, boggling eyes and a shock of untidy orange hair on top of its head.