Eddy Stone and the Epic Holiday Mash-Up Page 12

  “Just joking – I only do the hard way. Can you guess how I’m going to make you tell me where your treasure is hidden?”

  Before he could reveal what horrible plan he had in mind, the door to the Captain’s cabin burst open, and two burly pirates staggered on deck carrying his sea chest.

  “We’ve found it, skipper,” one of them said cheerfully.

  Barracuda Bill didn’t look pleased.

  “Oh, bilge rats!” he shouted. “I haven’t even started playing with this lot and up you pops with their treasure chest. Where’s the fun in that?”

  “Sorry, skipper,” said the first pirate.

  “We got this, too,” said the second pirate, pulling the silent warbleflower from his pocket. “We could always hide the chest again, and then you could try to find it.”

  “No, no,” said Barracuda Bill, “the moment’s gone. It just wouldn’t be the same. Still, let’s see what they’ve collected.” He swung his cutlass and snapped both the padlocks on the chest with one blow, then rummaged through the contents.

  “The ruby ring’s not bad but the rest is rubbish. Still, what can you expect from a bunch of amateurs?”

  And then he spotted the piece of paper that they had found in the gingerbread. It was poking out of Eddy’s shirt pocket – but not for long.

  “Aha!” said Barracuda Bill as he unfolded it, and, “Oho!” as he read the verse. “That will do very nicely. A treasure beyond price. Not such rubbish after all, then. I’ll take this bit of paper – and the rest.”

  “That’s not fair!” said Eddy. “We did all the hard work, and now you’re just going to steal it from us!”

  “Talk to the hook,” said Barracuda Bill.

  “But we need it,” said Eddy, “to save my gran’s cottage from falling down.”

  “You’re wasting your breath,” said Barracuda Bill. “I’ve heard them all before. We need new sails. The orphanage roof wants mending. My puppy’s got a sore paw. Heard them, ignored them, had a good laugh about them later.”

  “You always were a rotter,” said the Captain.

  “Oh! Hello! It’s the little pirate. And what do you know?”

  “He knows a lot,” said Eddy, “and he’s not a little pirate, he’s…”

  “Don’t,” said the Captain.

  “…the famous Captain Jake McHake.”

  “You did,” groaned the Captain.

  “McHake?” said Barracuda Bill. “That name rings a bell. I’ve met a McHake before. But he wasn’t a Captain. McHake? Who was he…? Oh, I remember now. He was a shop assistant in a dump of a place called Pirate Cove. He was a right blunderhead. Couldn’t even read the customers’ orders properly. I once asked for salted herrings and got assorted earrings. You’d write down ‘cutlasses’, and end up with cutlets. Instead of a sack of parrot feed, he sent me a pack of carrot seed. I wonder what happened to that clown…hang on a minute! Parrot… Carrot.”

  He stared at the orange vegetable on the Captain’s shoulder with his one good eye. Then he lifted his eyepatch and stared with his one bad eye as well.

  “It’s you, isn’t it? And you thought that a miserable mollusc like yourself could be a Captain? No wonder you’re sailing such a tatty old ship. No wonder it’s ended up halfway up this rock. No wonder you could only get this ragbag rabble to follow you.”

  The Captain looked down at his boots.

  “You’re no pirate, McHake. You’re just a fake.” Barracuada Bill laughed a fruity laugh. Then he stuffed the warbleflower in his pocket, stuck the paper between his teeth, hooked hold of the treasure chest, grabbed a rope and swung himself back aboard his own ship – followed by the rest of his boarding party.

  The Codcakers gloomily watched them sail –

  – into the distance.

  “That went better than I expected,” said the Penguin. Eddy had to ask the question – though he really didn’t want to hear the answer.

  “Is it true?” he said. “Are you really not a pirate?”

  “I stood behind the counter in that shop for years,” said the Captain. “I used to see all the sea dogs coming in with their tales of exotic islands and fabulous treasures and thrilling adventures. Not that they ever talked to me, of course. I was just the nobody in the corner. I used to dream of setting sail like them. And then one night I had a dream that I could set sail like them and the next morning I woke up in your bath and the rest you know.”

  “So you are a fake,” said Eddy sadly.

  “McHake the Fake,” the Captain mumbled. “Yes, that’s me.”

  “But I believed in you. I believed we were going to find the loot and save my gran’s cottage! Well, stupid me for being fooled, because that’s not going to happen is it, Captain McFake?”

  “No,” said the Captain. “It’s not.”

  Eddy felt his stomach churning. An hour ago he had been a member of a pirate crew on the trail of treasure. Now he was face-to-face with a fraud in fancy dress and the treasure was sailing off over the horizon in the clutches of a vicious maniac. The whole trip had been a huge waste of time and now it was over.

  “I feel like someone’s torn my dreams into shreds and dropped them in a puddle and jumped up and down on them in wellington boots until they’re all just so much mashed-up mush. You promised you would teach me to be a pirate, but you hadn’t even got the first idea how to do it yourself. All you can do is wear your stupid carrot and lead us into trouble!”

  He stomped away across the deck of the stranded Codcake.

  “That’s too harsh,” the Crew called after him.

  “No, it’s not,” said the Captain. “I deserve everything he’s said. I’ve let him down. He believed in me. No one has ever done that before. But I pretended to be something that I’m not.”

  “You once told me that at sea you can be anyone you want to be,” said the Crew. “Look at me – back in Tidemark Bay I’m just the timid old lady who runs the junk shop. Out here I’m the Crew, facing whatever comes our way. Who cares who you were back onshore? Right now you’ve got a ship and a treasure map and a dream to follow. What more do you need to be a pirate? But if you want Eddy to believe in you, you have to believe in yourself first.”

  “I almost did,” said the Captain. “When it started. But it all got so difficult. And dangerous. And I couldn’t get anything right.”

  “And yet we are all still here. The only people who never make mistakes are the ones who never try anything. And what sort of life is that? A life that hides in its miserable little hole. So buck up! This is what you are now – Captain of The Codcake. And if you want to wear a carrot on your shoulder, you wear a carrot on your shoulder – and be sure to wear it proudly.”

  “Do you really think I can do it?” said the Captain.

  “Do you really think you can do it?” answered the Crew.

  The Captain looked out across the sea for a moment. Then he straightened the carrot, puffed out his chest and shouted, “Cabin boy!” Eddy turned. “We are not going to let Barracuda Bill get away with this. I am going to stand up to him.”

  “Hold on a minute,” said the Penguin. “Are you sure this is sensible?”

  “No,” said the Captain. “I’m sure this is not sensible. Sensible is a shop assistant being bossed around and ignored. But since when was a pirate captain sensible? What was it the raisins said? Better to risk everything than to crawl through life as a coward.”

  “He’ll mash you,” said the Penguin, “into teeny tiny bits.”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt,” said Eddy. “Even if you are a fake.”

  “Then you had better come with me. I reckons we’ll need your brains if we’re going to have a chance to get that treasure and save your gran’s cottage like I promised.”

  Eddy thought about how Barracuda Bill had sneered at them. Why should he be allowed to steal everything that they had worked for? The four of them had beaten all the other challenges on the way – maybe they could work out a way to beat this one as well.


  “Okay,” he said, “I’m in.”

  “That’s the spirit.”

  “But that doesn’t mean everything is all right again.”

  “Understood,” said the Captain. “As soon as the tide floats us off this rock, we are sailing twelve miles due west. I just needs to work out what to do when we gets there.”

  “A palace with one thousand and one towers,” said the Captain. “That’s what the rhyme said we had to find. Shouldn’t be hard to spot.”

  Twelve miles due west from Rocky Island, the Codcakers had found land. They had boarded their rowing boat and beached it on the secluded shoreline. Right now all that they could spot was sand and palm trees. A lot of palm trees.

  “Wait here while I see if I can find a way through,” said the Captain, disappearing into the greenery.

  “He’s very unhappy, you know,” the Crew said to Eddy. “He feels that he’s let you down.”

  “He has let me down. He’s let us all down. Since we set sail, what has he done – apart from blunder around?”

  “I’ll tell you what he has done, dearie. His best. And that’s all you can ask of anyone.”

  “But why did he have to make up all the stuff about being a pirate?”

  The Crew let out a long sigh. “I think he just got carried away. He started telling the story about the person he wished he was because he liked it more than the reality. It’s not unusual, you know, dearie. Maybe it will never happen to you. Maybe you will never be tempted to say things about yourself that are a bit more than true. Maybe everything in your life will work out just as you planned and you’ll always be the person you want to be. But if so, you’ll be one in a million.”

  “Things are already wrong in my life,” said Eddy. “My parents sent me to Tidemark Bay for a summer of fresh air and fun because they are too busy to have me around.”

  “Do you think that’s how they wanted their lives to turn out? Being too busy? I bet they are doing their best, too. Most people do. Even when they get things wrong. Right now the Captain is doing his best to work out how to stand up to that horrible Barracuda Bill. If he gets that wrong things could get very nasty indeed. So he needs you on his side again.”

  They heard the Captain crashing back towards them through the undergrowth.

  “Blasted blithering trees!” his voice boomed out. Then the crashing suddenly stopped and he spoke more quietly.

  “Hello, what’s this? Well, well, well.”

  A moment later he stepped back onto the sand. He was fiddling with the flap on one of his pockets.

  “Did you find a path?” asked the Crew.

  “No,” said the Captain. “That jungle’s a right jumble.”

  “Would you kindly follow me?” The voice belonged to a distinguished grey-haired figure who emerged from the trees. He wore a friendly smile and a startlingly pink suit. On each side of him stood a companion, of similar age and similarly dressed. “We are here to guide you to the end of your long quest.”

  “You knows about our quest?” asked the Captain.

  “We do. Ever since the map was activated our cow-disguised intelligence unit have been watching you – although we have lost touch with them recently. We’ve been expecting you Captain McHake – and, of course, Crew, Eddy and Penguin.”

  “And who are you?” asked the Captain.

  “My name is not important.”

  “All the same,” answered the Captain, “we’d like to know who you are.”

  “But I’ve already told you.” The man smiled. “I’m Not Important.”

  The figure to his right spoke up. “That’s right, he’s called Not Important, I’m Who Asked You In The First Place, and this is Shut Up And Get On With Your Work. She gives us all names like that.”

  “And who is She?” asked Eddy.

  “Why, Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda, of course,” said Shut Up.

  “So is this princess in charge round here?” asked the Captain.

  “Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda? Indeed so,” answered Not Important.

  “In charge of the treasure beyond price and all that?”

  “Oh, yes. And she will meet you at the palace. This way, please.”

  Not Important led the Codcakers along the beach to a gap in the trees.

  “Have you decided what to do when we get there?” the Crew whispered to the Captain.

  “Not yet.” He tapped his forehead. “I’m working on it. I just hope I hurry up.”

  The gap turned into a path that climbed steadily until it opened onto a wide grassy hillside. A vast palace stood in the valley below, its dazzling white walls shining out against green fields in the afternoon sunlight. Dozens of towers rose and branched out into ever more turrets and points and pinnacles, too many to count. Topped with slanted roofs of coloured tiles, and fluttering with bright flags and pennants, they bristled against the sky.

  “Wow,” said Eddy. “That’s amazing.”

  “Beautiful,” said the Crew.

  “Beautiful!” shouted the Captain. “That’s it! I’ve worked out what to do. We’re meeting a beautiful princess, right? Well, everyone knows that beautiful princesses are always kind and good. It’s part of the job. So I reckons that if I tell her that we did the quest but Barracuda Bill stole everything from us, she is bound to decide to give the treasure to us.”

  “Has he arrived yet?” Eddy asked Not Important. “Barracuda Bill, I mean?”

  “I know nothing of a Mister Bill,” said Not Important.

  “Life’s better that way. Enjoy it while you still can,” said the Penguin.

  They walked down the hillside and halted outside the palace gates.

  “Before we enter,” said Not Important, “it is my duty to inform you of certain rules which must be followed. All weapons are to be surrendered. You are to behave politely and peacefully when in the presence of Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. If you misbehave you will be barred from the quest for the treasure beyond price. Is that clear?”

  “As a rock pool,” said the Captain.

  “Then please follow me.”

  They passed through the gates and entered a broad courtyard. A huge pile of swords, muskets, pistols, knives and other generally hurty objects lay just inside. The Captain threw his sword onto the heap, and followed the rest of the party into the palace and up a wide marble staircase.

  At the top, Eddy found himself staring at a life-sized portrait of the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. She wore a long, white gown, and was holding out her right hand as though to beckon them into her presence. Tumbling ringlets of jet-black hair framed a perfectly proportioned face, her eyes dazzlingly blue, her nose pert, her lips full and red. A dozen young men were pictured sprawling adoringly around her feet.

  “Cor,” said the Captain.

  “I like her frock,” said the Crew.

  “Is that Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda?” asked Eddy.

  “No,” said Not Important. “That is a painting of Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda will meet you in her private apartments. This way.”

  He led the Codcakers down a long corridor to a tall double door, which opened onto a room that was pink from floor to ceiling – shaggy pink carpet under their feet, pink flowery paper on the walls, pink silk curtains over the windows, pink striped armchairs and a pink polka-dotted sofa. There was even a pink chandelier hanging above their heads. In fact, just about the only things in the room that weren’t completely pink were the seated figures of Barracuda Bill and two of his crew.

  “What are these losers doing here?” said Barracuda Bill, rising from his seat.

  “I take it you’ve already met,” said a voice from across the room. Eddy turned to see another pink-suited figure. “I’m Something I Trod In, by the way. And this charming gentleman,” he explained to Not Important, “is Barracuda Bill, with his colleagues Bonecrusher Bert and Jellyfish Jones.”

  “We calls him Jellyfish,” said Barracuda Bill, “because—”r />
  “Please,” interrupted Something I Trod In. “They don’t want to know. You told me an hour ago and I’m still feeling sick.”

  “Are you going to give me this treasure beyond price soon, or am I going to have to start breaking things?” said Barracuda Bill. “Or people?” he added with a snarl.

  “Manners, please,” said Something I Trod In. “Or there will be no treasure for you. Remember the rules.”

  “I hate rules,” said Barracuda Bill. But he sat down again.

  “Typical, isn’t it?” said Something I Trod In. “We wait years for someone to come to claim the treasure beyond price, and then two turn up at once. No planning.”

  “And no Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda?” asked Not Important.

  “She’s with Maintenance,” said Something I Trod In. “Hair failure.”

  “Her hair looked lovely in her portrait,” said Eddy.

  “She looked lovely in her portrait,” said the Captain.

  “Pah!” said Barracuda Bill. “I saw that daub. What a soppy, floppy, prissy miss. And those drippy lads lying round like limp litter…”

  A door on the far side of the room rattled open. With cries of “Heave!” and a sudden FFFFLLLLOOOOOFFFF! a great billow of white silk squeezed through the doorway and erupted into the room. It rippled and ruffled as it was carried forward by pink-uniformed servants. Something inside the white mass was screeching. An arm emerged, and a hand slapped the nearest servant across the back of his head, and then began waving regally.

  The billow settled into the shape of a dress, its edges yellowing and tattered. A head suddenly came into view, like a swimmer bobbing in a foamy sea – a female head, as faded and frayed as her dress. Her dark hair shot off at unlikely angles, like a small explosion in a wig factory. Bright pink lipstick blotched from her mouth onto her patchily powdered cheek. A false eyelash wandered towards her right ear. The whole effect was of someone who had been dragged through a hedge backwards. And then forwards, to make sure they were thoroughly messed up. And then backwards again just for the fun of it.

  “Pray be upstanding,” said Not Important, “for Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda!”