Eddy Stone and the Epic Holiday Mash-Up Page 13

  “That’s the Princess?” said Eddy. “Blimey!”

  “Blimey!” said the Captain.

  “Blimey!” said Barracuda Bill, his mouth hanging open.

  “Brave adventurers!” Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda flumped down onto the sofa. “Get on with it!”

  Not Important stepped forward. “Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda will now receive the four items that you have collected to prove yourselves worthy to win the treasure without price. Four tokens of your courage, ingenuity, fortit—”

  “Blah! Blah! Blah!” Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda interrupted him. “Come on, hand over the stuff. Flowers first.”

  Barracuda Bill fished into a sack and pulled out the little plant – which immediately began to sing.

  “LA–LA–LA-LA–LA,” it trilled merrily.

  “How charming,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda.

  “LA–LA–LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAAAAAAA-LA.”

  “Delightful. And now…”

  “LA-LI-LOO-LI-OOBY-DOOBY-LIBBIDY-LOBBIDY-LOO-LA.”

  “Someone tell that plant that if it doesn’t shut up it will soon be compost!”

  “LA-LI-erk!” The plant ended its performance with a strangled yelp.

  “One warbleflower from Barracuda Bill.” Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda turned to the Captain. “Where’s yours, then?”

  “I… Er…” said the Captain, struggling to find the right words. She didn’t seem to be the kind and good princess that he had been expecting. “Um…”

  “That warbleflower is ours,” said Eddy.

  “No, no, no,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “I saw Barracuda Bill take it out of his bag.”

  “But…” the Captain spluttered.

  “I understand,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “My beauty has left you speechless. It happens all the time. So much so, that people say that being this gorgeous must be a burden. But I say nuts to that, because it means I get loads of prezzies. Poem next. Come on!”

  “Got it.” Barracuda Bill pulled a bright green leaf from his pocket – the bright green leaf that the Captain had been given by the Poet Tree. The bright green leaf in which the Poet Tree had expressed all the secret longings that the Captain had whispered to it. Bill began to read aloud:

  “Oh! The pirate life is thrilling

  And the lads are bold and gruff

  They do pillaging and stealing

  And other rough tough stuff.

  But a pirate can get thinking

  And a pirate can get glum

  For there’s more to life than fighting,

  Treasure, yo-ho-ho and rum…”

  Eddy saw the Captain blush bright red with embarrassment as Bill recited verses that revealed how much the Captain longed for a companion.

  “I have heard the mermaids murmur

  But a mermaid’s half a fish

  And I want a girl with legs and not

  A scaly tail to swish…”

  The Captain flushed even brighter red with anger as Bill recited verses that the Captain had meant to be heard only by his true love – whoever she might turn out to be.

  “Will you say you’ll be my sweetheart?

  Will you end my misery?

  It’s the tears of lonely sailors

  That turn all the seas salty.”

  Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda suddenly burst into loud sobs. “I’ve always wanted someone to write me a poem,” she wailed.

  “And that poem’s mine, too,” said the Captain, finding his voice. But neither Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda nor Barracuda Bill paid any attention to him.

  “So much emotion,” Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda sniffled.

  “Strangest thing,” said Barracuda Bill. “I never felt feelings like the feelings I’m feeling now. It’s like something’s flapping round in my stomach.”

  “I often get that,” said the Penguin. “It’s called fish.”

  “A life without love is so tragic,” blubbed Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda, “as I know only too well.” There were tears running down her cheeks, and a long string of snot dangling from her nose.

  “Perhaps it’s time for that to change,” said Barracuda Bill. And he tried a smile. It came out all lopsided and showed a lot of very sharp teeth, but for someone who had never done it before, it really wasn’t a bad attempt and only looked a little bit terrifying.

  “I do believe,” said the Crew, “that there’s romance in the air.”

  Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda yanked at Not Important’s jacket and blew her nose loudly on it.

  “I think it’s time for you to tell me how spectacularly lovely I am,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “Speak slowly and clearly and pay particular attention to my dainty little nosey and dazzlingly blue eyes.”

  “Before you two carry on,” said the Captain, “we needs to talk about the quest.”

  “Our quest,” Eddy added. “And the things that we collected.”

  “Oh! The rest of my goodies!” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “Who’s got my choccies?”

  Barracuda Bill brandished the box of Lanceling Ploverdew’s finest creations. Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda grabbed a handful and stuffed them between her lips.

  “And the jewel?” she mumbled through a half-chewed mouthful.

  Barracuda Bill fished the ruby ring from his sack.

  “You win,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. A thread of brown drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth. “Nice chocs, by the way.”

  “You heard the lady,” Barracuda Bill barked.

  “But—” said the Captain.

  “No,” said Eddy. “This isn’t right.”

  “I won,” said Bill. “You lost. And now I claim my prize – the treasure beyond price.”

  The Captain took a deep breath. “Objection!”

  “Overruled,” said Barracuda Bill.

  “You haven’t even heard what it is yet,” said the Captain.

  “Don’t care,” said Barracuda Bill.

  “But you cheated,” said Eddy. “You didn’t do the quest. You just pinched everything from us.”

  “‘You cheated!’” mocked Barracuda Bill. “Of course I cheated. We’re pirates, for badness’ sake. We steal stuff.”

  “Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda,” said the Captain. “You heard Barracuda Bill. We completed the quest, not him. Does he deserve the treasure beyond price? Do you want to reward meanness and thieving and general all-round horribleness?”

  He whipped off his hat, threw out his arm and struck the noblest pose he could muster.

  “By all that’s decent and true, we Codcakers battled bravely and sweated and strived or stroved or whatever the right word is, and we did it fairly and honourably and it’s us what deserves the treasure beyond price, and no mistake!”

  “Bravo!” said the Crew.

  Eddy had never seen the Captain like this before. His eyes blazed with passion. He seemed to have grown a head taller, and with his chest thrust out he looked as though he had been pumped up with air.

  “You did it,” said Eddy to the Captain. “You really did it. You stood up to him.”

  “Standing up is one thing,” said the Captain. “But we ain’t won that treasure yet.”

  “Just wondering,” said the Penguin. “What exactly is the treasure beyond price?”

  “You’re looking at it, silly,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “It’s me. That’s why I sent out the magic map all those years ago. The winner gets to marry me.”

  “Ah,” said the Captain, suddenly deflating. “Um. Nevertheless. Er – fair play and honour and stuff and, well, you know.” His voice trailed away in a hesitant mumble.

  “You don’t actually want to marry her, do you?” asked Eddy.

  “Have a care, boy,” said Barracuda Bill. “You’re speaking about my girl.”

  “But she’s selfish and bossy and greedy and shouty,” said Eddy, “and she calls people horrible names and hits th
em.”

  “Yeah! What a woman!” sighed Barracuda Bill. “What’s not to love?”

  “Love?” squealed Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “Why, this is all so sudden!”

  “You, my dear, are truly a treasure beyond price – far more special than gold and silver and sapphires and diamonds,” said Bill, reaching for her hand.

  “I certainly am,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “For a start, there’s only one of me. But there is simply loads of gold and silver. The royal treasury is heaped with it. And don’t get me started on all the sapphires and diamonds and rubies that are cluttering up the place. They are such a bore. I can hardly wait to get married so I can hand the whole lot over to my husband.”

  “To your husband…?” said the Captain. Suddenly marrying the Princess didn’t seem an unbearable prospect after all. “Then by all that’s fair and decent…”

  “We heard you the first time,” said Barracuda Bill with a triumphant grin. “You lost. I won. I get the treasure. You get over it.”

  “This ain’t working,” the Captain hissed to Eddy. “I don’t understand. I had the dream. We discovered the map. I was sure that treasure wanted to be found by us because you need a fortune to fix your gran’s cottage.”

  “Maybe it just wanted to be found,” said Eddy, “and it didn’t care who found it. Maybe this was really Barracuda Bill’s story all along.”

  “No,” said the Captain. “It’s our story, and I’m not going to give it up without a fight.”

  “A fight? You don’t mean with Bill?” said Eddy. “He’ll kill you.”

  “Not if the story is meant to be.”

  “No,” said Eddy. “You’ve done enough. I’m sorry for all that stuff I said before – and I take it all back. You came after Barracuda Bill and stood up to him like a real pirate. You’ve proved who you are. You did your best and no one can ask more than that.”

  “I can,” said the Captain. “And I do. I want to win.” He tapped Barracuda Bill on the shoulder.

  “Coward,” said the Captain.

  The smile on Barracuda Bill’s lips sank into a snarl. A vein on his forehead started to throb.

  “He’s done it now,” said Bonecrusher Bert quietly, as he and Jellyfish Jones sneaked behind the sofa for cover.

  Barracuda Bill pushed his face right into the Captain’s.

  “What – did – you – just – call – me?” he spat.

  “C-c-coward,” said the Captain, his voice trembling. “You were too scared to do the quest yourself. And now I bet you are too scared to fight for your prize.”

  “Scared!” roared Barracuda Bill. “Me, scared of a snivelling spineless seaslug like you? I’ll show you who’s scared!”

  He took a glove from his belt, and slapped the Captain across the face with it. Once. Twice.

  “Ow. Ow,” said the Captain.

  “I challenge you to a duel! Man against mollusc!”

  “Oh!” squealed Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “You boys! Fighting over me!” She bobbed up and down in her chair with excitement. “No, no, no, no, no! You mustn’t! You simply simply mustn’t! But if you simply simply must you’d better go outside. And don’t start till I get there – I don’t want to miss a single moment!”

  “Outside,” said Barracuda Bill. “Now.” He stamped away.

  “You don’t have to go through with this,” Eddy said to the Captain. “We won’t think any the less of you. Like you once said, there’s a difference between courage and stupidity. He’s the most dangerous pirate afloat.”

  “Maybe,” said the Captain. “But I have a plan.”

  “Did you think it up yourself?” said the Penguin.

  “Absolutely,” said the Captain.

  “So,” asked the Penguin, “would you like to be buried on land or at sea?”

  “Coooeeeeee, boys!” Eddy looked up from the palace courtyard to the balcony where Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda stood waving and shouting. Beside her, Not Important raised a megaphone to his lips and addressed the crowd.

  “Your Majesty, My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Knights, Squires, Peasants, Paupers, Palace Servants and Scum of the Seven Seas – welcome to this duel for the hand of Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. On my left, the Challenger – Barracuda Bill…”

  The crew of The Scavenger started to yell and stamp enthusiastically. It was a frightful racket. Not Important waited for it to die down before continuing.

  “…And on my right, the Challenged – Captain Jake McHake.”

  “Hurray!” shouted Eddy, the Penguin and the Crew. But their voices were drowned out by chants of “Fake! Fake! Fake!” from the other side.

  “According to the rules of duelling,” Not Important continued, “the Challenged will choose the manner of the contest.”

  Barracuda Bill was standing by the huge pile of discarded weapons near the palace gate. He called to the Captain, “There’s pistols, muskets, matchlocks, flintlocks, clubs, cudgels, axes, maces, longbows, crossbows, slingshots, blowpipes, harpoons, cannon, pikes, lances, longswords, shortswords, sortofinbetweenswords and even a rare set of razor-edged fighting antlers. So, you decide. Do you want to be sliced, diced, slashed, bashed, stabbed, hacked, pierced, pummelled, blasted, bludgeoned, poisoned, shot or butted to death?”

  The Captain walked slowly up to Barracuda Bill to look him straight in the eyes – although, as he was a good deal shorter than his opponent he only managed to look him straight in the beard.

  “I choose…” And he paused.

  The air bristled with tension. Eddy could hardly stand it.

  “……………” paused the Captain.

  “Get on with it,” shouted someone in the crowd.

  “I choose – a match of How Many Monkeys Have I Got In My Pocket?”

  “Ha!” Barracuda Bill snorted into the Captain’s hat. “You chose the wrong game, pipsqueak. In all the Seven Seas, no one has ever beaten me at How Many Monkeys Have I Got In My Pocket? I’m going to enjoy this.”

  “The Captain is terrible at How Many Monkeys,” said Eddy.

  “Goodbye, treasure,” said the Penguin.

  “But at least he won’t be sliced or diced or meet any other horrible end,” said the Crew.

  “And afterwards,” said Barracuda Bill, “I can have fun trying out some of these lovely weapons on you.”

  “Ah,” said the Crew.

  The Captain marked out twenty paces and turned back to face Barracuda Bill.

  “Game on!” he shouted at his opponent.

  Barracuda Bill’s voice thundered across the courtyard. “How many monkeys have I got in my pocket?”

  None, thought Eddy. It’s obviously none.

  The Captain shouted back, “You have sev—No, wait a minute – you have fi—”

  Say none!!! Eddy tried to push the thought out of his brain and into the Captain’s. Where could he have got a monkey from?

  “Let me work it out. Ummm – fou…no…”

  Zero! Nought! Nil! Eddy yelled silently.

  “Errrr… You have NO monkeys in your pocket,” said the Captain.

  At last, thought Eddy, you’ve got the hang of this stupid game.

  “Bah!” shouted Barracuda Bill. “Correct!”

  It was the Captain’s turn to ask. “How many monkeys have I got in my pocket?”

  Almost before the question ended, Barracuda Bill shouted back, “You have no monkeys in your pocket!”

  “Round two!” cried a voice in the crowd.

  “Wait!” said the Captain. “You’re wrong.”

  “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!”

  The entire crowd gasped. They gasped so hard that the breeze nearly sucked Barracuda Bill’s hat off his head, and his parrot had to dig its claws into his shoulder to hang on.

  “I have one monkey in my pocket.”

  And now everyone was silent.

  Barracuda Bill tugged the parrot out of his shoulder, and spat out the ritual reply: “Show me the monkey!”

  The
Captain reached into his pocket and pulled out a grubby blue and white spotted handkerchief. He laid it on the palm of his hand and gently unfolded it – and there, blinking in the sunlight, was a tiny monkey.

  “Game to me,” said the Captain triumphantly.

  “Ouch!” he continued, as the monkey bit his finger, then ran up his arm, knocked his hat off, and leaped into the crowd. It scampered across their heads and away over the palace wall.

  “We have a winner!” Not Important announced from the balcony. “Let riders be despatched to the furthest corners of the kingdom, to tell the people that the long search is over. Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda will marry Captain McHake!”

  “My turn at last!” shouted Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda.

  “You won, Captain!” said Eddy. “But where did you get that monkey from?”

  “It was by the beach when I was looking for a path through the palm trees. He jumped out of a bush and snuggled onto my hand – cheeky little fellow. Well, you know the old proverb, ‘A fool and his monkey are soon parted.’ I was trying very hard not to be a fool, so I knew we shouldn’t be parted, and I popped him in my pocket.”

  “And how did you work out that Barracuda Bill had no monkey? You never got that right before.”

  “Ah,” said the Captain. “That’s the arithmeticals for you, ain’t it? I knew that the chance of either one of us having a monkey was quite unlikely. But I also knew that I did have a monkey. And that was very unlikely. So the chance of Barracuda Bill also having a monkey must be about seven hundred and forty-three times more unlikely. And you don’t have to be a genius to know that quite unlikely multiplied by very unlikely multipled by seven hundred and forty-three equals downright impossible.”

  “I don’t think it actually works like that,” said Eddy, “but I’m very glad that you do.”

  “Like I said, I ain’t no fool.” He tapped his finger on the side of his nose and winked.

  “So that was your plan,” said the Crew. “I always knew you could do it.”

  “Me too,” said the Penguin. “Almost.”

  “And soon we’ll get our hands on all that lovely treasure,” said the Captain. “It’s a shame I’ll have to marry the Princess as well, but we’re going to be rich.”